Rebirth: What We Don’t Say

This story does not have an ending, I am unfolding as a mother, as a writer, as a friend, as a wife, as a daughter and as an individual every moment.

There are things that no woman tells another about motherhood. I will tell you this: I died. It was not childbirth. My labors were long and hard and beautiful. I have given birth twice: once to a screaming soul who shattered my idealistic visions of motherhood, the second time to an infant so ancient she didn’t utter a sound as she was lifted by the midwife from the water of the birthing tub, she just started at us. Both times my heart was cracked—shattered really and there would be no repairing it. The love that stretched and tore and suckled and broke my sleep was one so profound that nothing could have prepared me for it.

The yellow from the canvas of day bled all over the black watercolor of night and time became nothing. There was a rhythm of waking of feeding and sleeping. Of changing diapers and cuddling and eating again of sleeping again and I was lost in the curves of my children’s wrists and in the folds of their necks and the freshly baked bread smell of a new baby and the fragile, startling cries that made me gasp inaudibly and sent my heart flitting in my chest like a desperate butterfly.

Motherhood was all consuming.

There was nothing I wouldn’t learn, nothing I wouldn’t do to make the journey of my children from the realm of the unknown, the ether, the ancestors, to the harsh world I knew easier. I dove into homeopathy, herbs and aromatherapy to soothe my first born, I carried her wrapped around my back in fabric, I was as close to her as her breath. I eliminated all my favorite spices from my diet lest they upset her belly. I devoured writings on mothering. I was too exhausted to write, but I knew that gift was mine and I knew that in time I would get back to it. This gift, this new life, had come through me and it was time to focus on her. I’d get back to me.

When I did get back to me, I was gone. This is the thing that women don’t tell each other about motherhood. That you will never be who you were. That you will not see anything the way you used to see it, you will never hear language the way you used to hear it, music, color, photos, friends, family, career path–nothing or no one came through my transition from single woman to mother unexamined. Least of all myself.

I remember walking through the Lower East Side of Manhattan with a friend one evening. My husband pushed our first child down the chilled, narrow sidewalks  in a grey stroller while I carried our second baby prominently in my belly, “My whole life had been about me. I was self-centered,” I said to our friend. “Of course,” my friend replied and he urged me not to feel guilty about that. “This is so different. I am not the center of my universe anymore.” It was not guilt I felt. It was as though I was walking between worlds. The old me who roamed the neighborhood we were now in with panther’s grace. The me who wound in and out of bookstores and cafes and had nothing but time and her journal on her hands. The me at poetry readings, featured and popular. The me who would disappear for weeks or months; gone to a retreat in Spain or on an adventure in England, sitting rapt in classrooms as teacher or student. That me with her lovers and dramas and poems and phone calls at 3am. And that other me, the one who barely reached for pen and paper. The me who cooked and did laundry and graded papers and shopped for groceries while pushing a stroller. The me with a husband who worked the night shift. I was on, always, no clocking in or out, always breastfeeding, cleaning, changing diapers, singing the alphabet or something. Old friends with self-absorbed ways didn’t make sense to me anymore. The city I loved seemed coarse and cold (particularly when no one would give me a seat on the subway.) Who was I then? Full of a quietly growing life, pushing a toddler in a stroller, doing yoga to maintain my equilibrium, living in a tense home dealing with disappointment at having to do some much alone despite being in a city of millions, some of whom I had called family, some of whom I had called friend.

I would look in the mirror back then and see a warrior. Glowing skin, quick smile, delicately muscled with tear-stained insides and questions and faith. I did not know that beautiful woman in the mirror. I just knew what she had to do. Knew what she needed to do to help her family get through that day and the next. She was lonely sometimes. I surrendered. Let myself dance invisibly. Let my identity fall through the cracks. Waited for a new self to emerge.

A new self did emerge. This is what women do not tell each other. I want to say it here: You will die when you become a mother and it will hurt and it will be confusing and you will be someone you never imagined and then, you will be reborn. Truthfully, I have never wanted to be the woman I was before I had children. I loved that woman and I loved that life but I don’t want it again. My daughters have made me more daring, more human, more compassionate. Their births have brought me closer to the earth and they have helped me pare my life down to its essentials. Writing, quick prayers, good food, a few close friends, many deep breaths, love, plants, dancing, music, teaching-these are the ingredients of my/this new self. I waited for this new self in the dark, in the bittersweet water of letting go, in the heavy heartbeat of learning to be a mother, against the isolation, I grew and emerged laughing and crying and here I am, sisters and brothers.

Here I am.

(This piece was first published in June 2010 by the fantastic folks at The Mom Egg. Check out their blog, their reading series, and their literary journal.The publisher, Marjorie Tesser, is a gifted and deeply inspiring Mama.)

For more of my writing from the frontlines of womanhood read my first collection of poetry Karma’s Footsteps or download my free booklet Mother Nature.

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102 thoughts on “Rebirth: What We Don’t Say

  1. YES! YES! YES!

    You articulated the sentiment, color, and experiencer of life on the other side of this rites of passage so precisely. Thank you, sister. I’m mother to a toddling prince and think often of how indescribable my existence feel sometimes though I know I share these rebirth with countless women past and present. I really appreciate this reflection.

  2. Thank you, you spoke from my heart, it seemed. I will read this again. I am a Mama of a 1 year old daughter and 3 yr old boy, and that has transformed me. I think I’m still waiting for the new self to emerge. I feel her just hatching through her seed, as I watch my little on toddle on her own two feet. Of course, I have to be right behind her….so it’s still them, I live for. But it was exciting to hear about the new self–I knew she was in there, and I can’t wait to know her.

    • You put this so beautifully.
      My daughters are 20 months apart and I remember what formlessness felt like.
      You are indeed in there. :) It will be an amazing rebirth!

      one love,
      ekere

  3. Oh gosh…I’m desperately re-learning this as a divorced Mom of 3 (16B, 11B, 4G). The boyfriend now 2 years integrated…trying so hard to maintain Mom and not force “Dad” on him. Being Mom and watching his non-Dad lifestyle unfold in front of me. Staying home, staying strong, making dinner…I’m Mom. Divorced Mom.
    I was emerged and got sunk again. Thank you for your article. It gave me a rope to climb up.

    • You are so welcome. Sometimes mothering feels like this spiralling journey. I can’t wait to hear about the woman who emerges from this journey. No doubt she–you–will be an inspiration.

      one love,
      ekere

    • Kerri, your story sounds so familiar. I divorced after having my first 2 sons and went through the strangest period of rebirthing myself, finding a new me in those times when the boys were away at Dad’s house. Now, I am in a new relationship for almost 2 years and have a baby son with my boyfriend. Even though I know there is a city on the other side of the wall of mothering an infant, I’m having so much trouble remembering what it was like. I tried desperately to explain to my man the other day how it felt to be in this place of not even feeling like a self anymore and he just can’t get it. After a while, I realized how absurd it was to try to tell him, that I really just needed to talk to women who’ve been there. This blog is perfect. It makes me realize that I am NOT alone and NOT going crazy (not in the wrong way, at least.) Thank you to all of you for sending out some light to me in here. It feels so lonely most of the time and this reminds me that all is well and all is well and all is well. We have to die to be born again.

      • i got teary reading your post. we are all here together aren’t we. the feelings are universal. it’s so easy to look out and be envious of women who can still jump up and run off at a moments notice, with nothing but a change of underwear. to feel alone, because our feet are planted and some doors are closed. i agree, the woman that i am would be nothing without these experiences of being a mother, and tirelessly doing what needs to be done, when no one knows or recognizes that its been done.

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  5. Wow! thank you for writting this! I am a stay home mom to an amazing 16 month old boy and I truly feel lost at times missing my former identiy and yet loving every moment with my son. I think I am still searching for my new self and looking for all the pieces that will form my new self. I need to read this again.

    • Congratulations on your little one! :)
      I found that my new self emerged without me searching for her. It was the strangest thing. And it was beautiful.
      Your new self will definitely find you. Enjoy your journey.

      one love,
      ekere

  6. You pinpointed exactly what I went threw…
    I don’t my old life without my daughter, as she is my entire being, and is always teaching me everyday how to be human, how to love, and cherish every moment if life

    • Thank you so much. It took a lot of confusion and some pain to understand this. I am hoping that by sharing this, new Mamas don’t have to feel it this way. And even if they do they can know it is not uncommon. And the path will get clearer.

      one love,
      ekere

  7. I loved your post and will be sharing it with many. I’m a father of 5, grandfather of 16 and celebrating 50 years of marriage this year! i believe your perspective is so beautiful that any thinking person can only be in awe of what it means to be a mother.My wife and I were married at 18 for her and 21 for me.My wife had never held a child in her arms.She turned 18 in feb. and married in Mar. and one month later got pregnant! She had a son while still 18, had a daughter at 19, another daughter at 20 (then we discovered what was causing this)! Not really! We discovered much of what you have written, to be so true that we wanted a child not blessed with loving parents that we adopted a mixed race boy and then had another slipup and had another daughter making us complete with 5 children! (Not recommending so many) It has been joyful fulfilling life with all the trials and tribulations to go through as well. We sent all of our children abroad to experience the greater world, and yet all of our children live within 10 miles of our home and all but one grandchild go to school in our state NC and I give so much of the credit to my wife who became “reborn” into a creator of a center of love and inspiration that will reverberate for generations toward a more beautiful world of the future….Ray Estes.. You hit it on the nail1

    • Yours is an incredible and inspiring story! What advice do you have for new families? It is a beautiful testament to you and your Beloved that your children choose to live close to you–even now!

      one love,
      ekere

  8. Wow, I cannot believe how accurately this poetic description of the initiation into motherhood describes my experience as well. After I had my first, I am not sure what was more shocking, the love that I felt for my daughter, or the disbelief that nobody told me how incredibly insane and miraculous birthing is. I suddenly felt connected to every woman who had ever given birth, and was completely in awe of how rad and under recognized mothers are for the absolute miracle of this moment between two worlds where we become the bridge for this tiny out of control body, and full blown soul to enter into the world.

    My children are two and four now, and I am in the process of emerging as this totally new and awesome person. I never thought that completely letting go of care or concern for myself for so long would result in such a powerful birth of me.

    Thank you so much for this article, and I hope that it encourages more of us to speak our truth about Mothering.

    Nicole Young

    • Nicole, I am so glad you have come here. Even now I smile at just about any Mama who will make eye contact with me because I still feel that connection you have described. I remember being pregnant and being awed that someone gave birth to us all! :) Our mothers and grand mothers and great grandmothers had done what I was about to do. I felt like I was going to enter a circle.

      Then raising the children..whoa! I did not even have a mirror for years. Seriously. I knew things were shifting for me when I went out and bought a tube of lipstick for the first time in forever and asked my husband to get a full-length mirror in the house. This might sound really superficial, but I think it was a sign that I remembered I had a body and I also existed independent from my babes.

      Thanks for commenting! See you on the path.

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    • Give thanks! It took so long for me to gather the words and find the strength and space to write them. I remember when I had my child an elder from Sierra Leone said “Welcome to the tribe of mothers.” Yes, it is an “ancient sisterhood.” We need each other to laugh with and to cry to. See you on the path!

  10. Thank you. Deepest gratitude for your words…they touched my soul and offered me courage in the journey. Blessings of motherhood
    S

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  12. What a beautifully expressed piece of art:) I’ve had two mothering lives….in the first I birthed a daughter all on my own, was a single mama for 7 years, and her birth opened me up to the goddess, and feminism, and whole worlds that I’d never dreamed of. After being down for the whole pregnancy, my life blossomed after she was born, and I discovered a whole heap about me that the fierce tigress love for her cracked open. And I got the time to discover my other, deeper self, and expressed my new found self in many creative ways…….till I met the love of my life, and we got together just before we were both 30, and then set about having lots of babies, gaining lots of insight about them and ourselves, and learning about a whole other side to me again. Now 10 years down the track, we have 6 babies together, and my first daughter has flown the coop to live her own life, and our 7th baby together (my 8th) is due next month. I’m in a very very prolonged period of cleaning, feeding, changing, caring, and loving that feels like a very very long time. But the creativity that’s exploded out of me is out of sight! It’s funny how I get so much more done with so many babies than I ever did when I was wandering the streets as a single woman, writing, partying, and doing all the sensual things. And what I’ve learnt about myself, my children, the world, the universe and everything, has been absolutely unsurmountably rich and huge and worth every minute. What amazing gifts selflessness can bring. And what a valid and insightful path to enlightenment:)

    Thank you for your beautiful writing, you’ve inspired me to try and write beauty again. I’ve got a blog myself, ( http://spunoutpost.blogspot.com/ ) where I write about all sorts of things, but I’ve kinda settled in to a pragmatic relating of stories, rather than the flowery way I used to write….maybe it’s time to revisit how I craft words! Will be reading anything more you write:)

    Peace and blessings to you…..

    • Oh my goodness. What a world of richness you have shared here. I am somewhat speechless.

      I visited your blog and what beauty. What truth. What courage.

      I am so glad that you came here. Much light to you and your newborn. I look forward to hearing about this newest part of your journey.

  13. I have two beautiful children and I am just realizing how truely special they are and their important role in my life. My husband has decided to tell me how he is truely feeling since his awkward silence, his sleeping on the coach and his new found need to run every night. He has never felt “happy” and has since begin to tell me that he is not inlove with me and only see’s me as a roommate. He also has told me he meet someone which made him feel different. I am so confused and hurt, lonely and scared. He was my best friend and now I have no one to go to. I don’t know what to do and how to cope. I have always been able to handle many things and cope well on my own but now I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread. I love being a mother and that is what I have done for the last six years, I don’t know anything else and I don’t make friends very easly as I usually become quit shy around new people. He has since left and is living with a friend. He is a very good father and has been here for them ( they are still a bit young to understand, but are noticing he is not around )
    I don’t know how to tap into me again, and find a sense of calm or peace for that matter … I guess that takes time. Any thoughts or comments would be much appreciated!
    I would normally not have left a post, my mom sent me this link a long time ago and was just cleaning out my inbox and decided to read it! Your story is very insightful of things that not even as a mother I have realized.

    • Maria – In many ways we share a similar story – hugs to you – know that you are in the deepest end of it right.now
      know that it gets better – I promise.
      For me I found one of the great ways to rediscover myself was in listening to when I sing inside and when I get excited and when I start feeling all a flutter and hopeful – and then working on finding ways to do more of that even when it makes no logical sense.
      Also, connecting online with other mamas who approach parenting in ways similar to myself has been wonderful! Are you on facebook? I’ve made beautiful and supportive friendships on facebook and through blogging that have meant the world to me this past year when my marriage blew up.
      Most importantly, again for me, was deciding to never allow myself to view becoming a mom/wife/full time care-giver as something to regret no matter how painful this time of transition has been and may yet become as I continue to traverse it’s winding path. My children have birthed who I am now just as much as I have birthed them and, like Ekere, I would not want to go back to my old/younger self even if I could.
      Sending you love and strength for your journey <3

    • Greetings, Maria. It sounds as though you are going through a very intense transition. I tend to lean heavily on my close friends and my spiritual practices when things get difficult in my life. I have a very small circle of close friends but one person who loves you enough to listen without judgement can be enough. Please find that one person and share. This is a lot to carry. You can also write your feelings out. I find this helps me clear mental space and I can think of what my next steps might be. And you know, really, when I am hurt…I cry. That helps me too.

      Mamas, do you have any advice for our Sister?

  14. Thank You for articulating such a deep truth. I am a mother of six and I have been reborn so many times. My journey has led me to midwifery and I am privileged to witness this transformation over and over again in the women I serve. keep writing….in gratitude, leigh

  15. Oh my goodness, you spoke straight to my heart with your words here, each of them describing different parts of my own journey too ( i even lived in the east village as a single girl before marriage). I had two little ones in Brooklyn, ages 7 and 4 now, and find myself unexpectedly expecting our 3rd. My motherhood journey continues, with each child I feel a newness of self emerging, parts of me getting stronger, others fading. Thank you so much for using your gift to put all of your journey into words. So amazing!! xo

  16. Perfect. Just perfect. Exquisitely written and expressed. I feel like I want send this to everyone I know and say “THIS. This is how I feel.

    About to go through the biggest paring down and change of my life – shifting my fledgling family from life on a beachy jungled island, to the English countryside. :)

  17. This part really resonated with me: “dealing with disappointment at having to do so much alone despite being in a city of millions, some of whom I had called family, some of whom I had called friend.” There’s a shock to realizing that while other people are out there helping a friend with a cold by dropping off orange juice and chicken soup, no one is there for you as a new mother. And new motherhood goes on for years (not just the first year). There have been times, with my husband in the hospital and myself having an insulin reaction, desperately trying to shove enough sugar tablets in my mouth to keep myself from passing out, with my 15-month old sitting next to me, when I’ve just sobbed and sobbed about it. It really takes a village to raise a child, and our society is so far from really understanding that. I don’t even need a rebirth. Just so happy to get through each day, month, year. Motherhood is all consuming, as you say. There is nothing better in the world. I am very strong for it.

    • Your comments are so powerful, Sister.

      Last summer I had my first experience of communal living and it was life altering. Coming back to “life as usual” felt counterintuitive, like I was shrinking. Now I have another vision of what life as a family can be like. I have to hold that vision of the village.

      I wish you much joy on your journey and I am so glad you came here.

  18. Ah. Recognition. and relief. You are right – it is a rebirth. I’m excited now, to see who I will be as the years of mothering unfold.

    • Yes! Diane, mothers of older children have told me that the changes continue in us just as they do in the children. I look at them in awe when they say this because it seems to mean that I/we will have many lives. :) That will be a lot to write about. lol.

      • Just coming back to this beautiful piece now. I had forgotten I commented! And now… Contemplating the possibility of adding a third soul to our family. It is so alarming to be on the verge of emerging (my youngest is almost 3) and choosing to possibly sink into the abyss again…

  19. my daughter turned 9 today. and she, much like your first, screamed like a maniac for her first 6 months. and i dove into books, and herbs, and homeopathy, and yoga. i tried to read my way out of it all. it wasn’t until i started writing that i felt some relief. some distance. some humor. i just wrote a post about parenting and i’m still stunned by how necessary it is for me to process the dying that you mention through words. thank you. thank you. i cried for you. i cried for me. i cried for all the mommas. there is just nothing like it. nothing has made me feel stronger, more grounded, more frustrated, more in tune with what it means to be human. than being a momma.

    • Phyllis, thank you for coming here. I am grateful for your words and for your work. Your blog is stunning. I just subscribed. I read somewhere the words “I write to right myself” and I have found this truer and truer. Sometimes it is frightening to share so much but I don’t know what I would be if I didn’t.

  20. In the past year I have watched many women I am close to, including my best friend, give birth and raise their children. They would all say that they wouldn’t have their lives any other way, but in dark hours of the night or raw afternoons with no nap, they feel secure enough to admit to me that their lives are hard, lonely, sad, exhausting, and frustrating.

    I think parenthood is a deeply personal experience. I find this article to be incredibly narrow minded and exclusive view on this experience. It’s almost insulting to those women who are questioning that they want to have childreb or who aren’t able to. Choosing not to have a child, or to wait until you’re in a stable and committed relationship and then making that decision with your partner, does not ‘lessen’ the importance of your life. It doesn’t mean that you’re a selfish and bad person bc you don’t have a child – something implied between the lines of this piece. I’m glad you don’t want to be the person you were before you had a child, but that is not the same for everyone. Articles like this just perpetuate the idea that if you’re not absolutely in love with motherhood, then you’re a bad person. But it’s hard – so so so hard. And it’s totally ok if you look back on your life BC (before child) and miss it – miss who you were. It’s hard enough already to be a mother – lets not make it even more harsh and judgemental.

    • What an interesting interpretation of this piece. Thank you for your comments. Sister, I can only say that this is a piece about my journey and it is not meant as an indictment of anyone else’s.

    • Thank you! There is much food for thought on your blog. “A goal without a date is simply…a resolution.” That shook me up. I look forward to continuing to build community with you.

  21. i told my therapist yesterday, who i was before i had my son seem’s like another story from a distant past…a story that’s is now faded by the journey to becoming human being, grief, pain, hurt, love, joy,lost,found,sad…i now finally feel like i am a human being all because i became a mother! all because i am now of use to someone else other than for myself….i am still a one big mess! but my son had cracked my heart wide open! and here i am as well, emerging, being reborn it was really me being birthed when i gave birth to my son….it’s wonderful, it’s difficult, it’s scary, but i know i would have rather been consumed by this much love rather than have not!

    • Sofia, you put this so beautifully. I too find this path “wonderful and difficult.” I think it is the difficulty that I have felt most ashamed to discuss…until now. :)

      I smiled when you wrote about being “one big mess.” I told a friend recently that I often have this feeling that everyone else has it all together, but I’ve decided that we are all “one big mess” in one way or another and I will not continue thinking less of myself for being a mess. We are so beautiful too, right? Much light and joy on your journey.

  22. When my niece was half way through her first pregnancy her husband made a statement that made her suddenly realize that he was completely clueless as to what their lives were going to be like once the baby arrived. She was saying “Is he crazy? How does he not get that everything will be different? ” I told her we have to be patient with men. We women have a monthly reminder from the age of puberty of who we are, who we are in the process of becoming… that far away thought is always with us–we carry the future within us. Men, on the other hand, remain boys playing games most of their lives. I guess God knew what he was doing when he chose us to be His partners to help bring life into the world :)

    • Love this! Suzanne your comment made me laugh and nod my head at the same time. I have never thought of it this way–that we have been prepped from menses. And my goodness, even before that. I remember imagining pregnancy and motherhood when playing “mommy” with my dolls as a little girl.

      My husband believes that for a lot of men fatherhood really sets in after the birth. He says that while our pregnancies make the experience of parenthood very tangible for us, men “need nine months after the birth to get used to the gravity, the beauty and seriousness of the situation.”

      Yes. The Creator is wise indeed! :)

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  24. Thank you so much for this! I am the mother of the most inquisitive, sweet, funny 4 month old. I have felt undeniable guilt when mourning the loss of my ‘old self’. I can’t tell you what it means to hear I’m not alone. I was looking at pictures of my husband and I galavanting through Paris, and Italy before we had my son and feeling like the girl in the picture was a stranger. I mean, obviously I know it’s me in the photos, but a stranger nonetheless. A clueless, naive stranger at that. The love of my son has overwhelmed me in a way I never could have predicted. Thank you so, so, so much for putting into words, so beautifully, and perfectly what I’ve been feeling. It’s comforting to know that one day, I will find a me someday that I will come back to and love.

    • Congratulations on your little one! Dana, I felt almost formless sometimes when my children were younger and seeing old pictures of my husband and I was strange. Not only did I wonder who that young woman in the pictures was, I also wondered who that couple in the pictures was. Our arms had been so full of each other and suddenly we were mommy and daddy. Parenthood is such a huge shift in identity! Then we absorb the message that we should feel guilty if we don’t love every second of mothering or if we miss something of who we were. I am so glad you are letting that guilt go and I love that you are courageous and aware enough to embrace how you are feeling. Thanks for coming here!

      • No, thank YOU. I had kept those feelings wrapped so tightly within myself for fear of sounding like an awful mother. Now I know, not only is it okay, but it’s normal!

  25. Thank you for this. So rich with both the darkness and a brightness of motherhood! I have a 9 month old, and I’m still sort of working up to this level of understanding about what is going on with myself, and this essay touched on so many of my current feelings. Beautiful!

    • You are very welcome. Congratulations on your little one!

      It’s beautiful to (finally) be able to acknowledge the mix of emotion that sometimes accompanies our journeys into motherhood. It took me years to examine and admit the complexity of what I was feeling. So glad you are able to see it early on. See you on the path.

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  27. What a lovely post. I have to say that I cried when I read, “You will die when you become a mother and it will hurt and it will be confusing and you will be someone you never imagined and then, you will be reborn.” I’m not sure I thought of this new life quite in those terms, but that line hit me and hit the truth of it. And the process is really beautiful. The most extreme, challenging, raw experience of my life and profoundly beautiful.

    I am beginning my rebirth as the woman I am now. I have about 3 years of updates to add to this blog, but I am finally ready and able to add them. lifewithkids.net if you care to take a look.

    Enjoy your journey! I will too.
    Sarah

  28. This is absolutely stunning. It perfectly expresses something I’ve been feeling lately – how in becoming a mother I at once lost and found myself (or more accurately with time found myself) – only you are way more articulate than I am!

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  30. Wow. One of the most beautiful posts.I have ever read. It is a piece to remember, to help us appreciate motherhood even more during the tough times. Thank you so much. I look forward to reading more of your work.

  31. Pingback: The Indescribable Need | The Wicked Stepmonster

  32. My 25 yr old daughter sent me this. Ive never seen those feelings explained so well, Im sending it to her Dad who left me (not her he says) when she was not even two. I didnt know how to tell him then what was going on with me, I was trying to be this great Mom everyone said I would be and I got so lost in that child, I forgot him (I guess is why he left). And I didnt have time or energy to find that new me. as an artist, I felt so thwarted, not being able to do what I had been doing (stained glass and babies just dont mix!) but this creature took over my life and I gave it to her gladly, tho sometimes I felt so totally inept as a mom. But my girl is so much like me, but so incredibly better, and she loves us both, and hes happy tho I am still longing for another male in my life, but he has to have had kids or he would never understand me. One thing I learned too, is that Moms are the last to know anything, we are taken for granted mostly because nothing they do could stop us loving them, and thats how it should be, and they dont want us to worry, so Moms get left out of alot of their kids life cuz of that.. But also, you will never understand your own parents until you are one, and you will look back as you wait at 2am for them to come home, on how you did the same things to your own folks, and didnt understand how being late can escalate into sheer terror of worry, making up all the terrible reasons for them to be so late, and knowing the reasons you yourself were so late at times (falling asleep in the back of the car!) and you had to make up some reason that sounds plausible, but us Moms know, and accept, cuz we love you and you can do no wrong,and us worrying about you all the time is just part of the deal. And when you show up at 2am all OK but shy, we are mostly mad because of how worried we were, but that disappears fast into the happiness of just having you back.Thank you darling girl for sending me this, and thank you Sage Momma for writing it.

  33. Pingback: Sunday Surf | Adventures of Lactating Girl

  34. Pingback: Ten Things That Have Surprised Me About Early Motherhood | According to Lara

  35. Pingback: what we don’t say. | in our days

  36. This is so lovely and so deeply saturating my bones right now and did the last time I read it. It resonates and articulates to my soul. Thank you for writing it and posting it to share with the world. Solidarity!

  37. Wow, awesome blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?

    you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is wonderful, let alone the content!

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